When Things End: Relationships, Loss and Looking After Your Mental Health
When relationships end, whether through cheating, abuse, growing apart or loss, it can hurt deeply. But there is life after an ending.
There are some things in life that we simply do not have a guide for.
Relationships ending is one of those things.
Whether it is because of cheating, abuse, growing changes in life, having children, losing someone you love to death or just seeing that life has taken you in different ways, the ending of something important can hit you harder than you think.
Sometimes it does not even matter if you saw it coming.
It can still hurt.
I have thought about this a lot. Even though I have not lived through every kind of relationship ending I know what it feels like to lose something that was a huge part of your daily life.
For me the closest thing was losing my job. It is obviously not the same as losing a relationship or losing a person you love.. The feelings are very similar.
One day something is a part of your life.
The next day it is gone.
And you are left wondering:
“Right... What am I supposed to do“
Not all endings are the same
There is not just one reason why relationships end.
Sometimes there is a clear reason.
Cheating can break trust completely. Abuse can make a relationship unsafe and leaving can be very hard even when you know it is the right move.
Sometimes people just grow apart.
The person you were ten years ago might not be the person you are today. The same thing can happen to your partner.
People change. Priorities change. Life changes.
Maybe you have children and suddenly your relationship is mostly about school runs, packing lunches, work and trying to remember who was meant to buy milk.
Romance can sometimes fall below cleaning the bathroom on your list of things to do.
Sometimes things outside the relationship put a lot of pressure on it. Money worries, work, family problems being sick or other big changes can change the way people live.
Sometimes even after everything two people just realize they are not happy together anymore.
There does not always have to be another person.
Sometimes life just changes.
Then there is death
Losing a partner or someone you love through death is a completely different kind of ending.
- There is no talk where you decide what happens next.
- There is not always something you can fix.
- There is a huge gap where that person used to be.
- When someone dies suddenly the shock can be too much to take.
- One minute they are part of your life and the next you are trying to figure out how the world can keep going when your world feels like it has stopped.
- It can feel strange to see everyone else living their lives.
- People are going to work.
- The supermarket is still open.
- The mail still arrives.
- Someone somewhere is probably complaining about the weather.
- Meanwhile you are thinking, *How can everyone be carrying on when this has just happened?*
That is grief.
Grief does not follow a schedule.
What does it actually feel like?
It can feel like every emotion at
- Sadness.
- Anger.
- Relief.
- Guilt.
- Fear.
- Loneliness.
- Confusion.
- Numbness.
Sometimes all those feelings show up at the same time like they decided to have a meeting in your head without asking you.
You might feel fine one day and terrible the next.
You might think you are moving forward when you hear a song. Smell a certain smell or find an old photo and suddenly you are right back there.
That is normal.
Your brain is trying to get used to a change.
You are not failing just because you are struggling.
When children are involved
Ending a relationship is hard enough.
When you have children together it can feel like you are trying to solve a puzzle while someone keeps moving the pieces.
You may not be partners anymore. You are still parents.
There are school runs, birthdays, holidays, homework, doctor visits, clubs, uniforms and about 7,000 talks about where someone's shoes went.
Your children might also be struggling with the change.
They might be angry, sad or confused. They may blame themselves. Worry about what will happen next.
The important thing is to tell them they are loved and that the relationship ending is not their fault.
If you can try to keep adult fights from them.
You do not have to pretend everything is perfect.
You just need to help them feel safe, loved and supported.
If the relationship ended because of abuse or safety issues it is different. Safety must come first. Getting professional help might be important.
Don't expect yourself to be okay away
This is probably the biggest thing I would tell a friend.
Give yourself time.
When I lost my job I did not suddenly wake up the next morning thinking, *Great! A new chapter! I am so happy!
- There was worry.
- There was frustration.
- There was a loss of routine.
- There was the question of what I was going to do
- There were days when I probably spent way too much time thinking about it.
Losing a relationship can be the same.
- Your routine changes.
- Your plans change.
If you were together for years you may have to learn how to live a totally different life.
That takes time.
Don't confuse missing someone with needing them
This is an important point.
You can miss someone. Still know that the relationship was not right.
You can love someone. Still know you should not be together.
You can remember the times without forgetting the reasons it ended.
You can grieve the relationship without wanting it back.
Our brains have a way of only remembering the good parts when we are lonely.
Suddenly you are thinking about that holiday from five years ago instead of the many arguments that happened before and after it.
Try to remember the story.
Look after the basics
When your mental health takes a hit the simplest things can feel hard.
- So start small.
- Eat
- Get some sleep.
- Go outside.
- Take a shower.
- Talk to someone.
- Go for a walk.
- Do something you like.
You do not need to change your life by next week.
Just get through today.
Then do the same tomorrow.
Small steps still matter.
It is tempting to hide
Sometimes you do not want to answer the phone because you do not want to explain how you feel.
Try not to shut yourself off completely.
You do not need a group of people.
One good friend can be enough.
Someone who will listen without trying to fix everything.
Someone who will just sit with you while you have a cup of tea.
Someone who will tell you kindly that checking media at 1:30am is probably not helping.
They are probably right.
Moving on doesn't mean forgetting
I think we sometimes get the phrase "moving on" wrong.
- It does not mean forgetting.
- It does not mean you stop caring.
- It does not mean you have to act like the relationship did not matter.
It means you slowly learn how to live your life without that person or situation being at the center of it.
- You make routines.
- You find things you enjoy.
- You see your friends again.
- You find parts of yourself that maybe got lost along the way.
Eventually you start looking forward instead of always looking back.
Sometimes the future looks nothing like you expected
This is something losing my job taught me.
When something important goes away your first thought might be:
"What am I going to do "
But eventually that question can turn into:
"What could I do now?"
That is a different question.
One is about loss.
The other is about what's possible.
I think relationships can be the same.
You might have imagined a future with someone.
Maybe you thought you would grow old together.
Maybe you thought you would raise your children together.
Maybe you just thought you would always do the things and live the same life.
When that changes it can feel like the future is gone.
It is not.
It has just changed shape.
You do not have to know what the new shape looks like right away.
Be kind to yourself
If I were sitting with a friend having coffee while they went through a relationship ending I would probably say:
- Do not rush yourself.
- Do not be hard on yourself.
- Do not compare how you are doing with how someone else's doing.
- Do not pretend you are fine when you are not.
- Talk to people.
- Get help if you need it.
Remember that there is no prize for suffering in silence.
If you are struggling with your health, talk to someone you trust or a professional. You do not have to wait until everything falls apart before asking for help.
Sometimes you just need someone to help you carry the weight for a while.
An ending is not always the end of your story
Whether you have lost a relationship, a job, a family member or the life you thought you were going to have, can make the world feel very small.
It does not stay that way forever.
There will be days again.
There will be laughter again.
There will be experiences, new people, new routines and probably new problems to replace the old ones. Because it seems like life does not believe in giving us too much peace.
That is okay.
You do not need to have everything figured out.
You just need to keep moving.
Some days that might mean taking a step forward.
Days might mean getting out of bed making a cup of tea and deciding that today is not the day you are going to completely fall apart.
That still counts.
So if you are going through an ending now please be patient, with yourself.
Feel what you need to feel.
Remember that losing something does not mean you have lost yourself.
Remember that even if you cannot see it yet there is still a life waiting for you on the other side of this.
You do not have to know what comes next.
You just have to keep going enough to find out.